


Regret

by Empress_S



Category: Hornblower (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-02-04
Updated: 2009-02-04
Packaged: 2018-01-03 06:38:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1067253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Empress_S/pseuds/Empress_S
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kennedy reflects on a decision....</p>
            </blockquote>





	Regret

“Uncle Archie! What are you doing out here? Grandpapa says you’ll catch your death standing in the snow! Won’t you come inside?”  
  
Archie turned, smiling at the mountain of clothing that was Miss Isabelle Bush, hurrying toward him. He caught her before she could fall and pulled her up into his arms.  
  
“I was looking at how pretty everything is now that it’s covered in snow.” He nodded towards the village and the surrounding areas.   
  
It had started snowing last night and had not stopped all day; Archie had not seen snowfall like it in twenty years. It was a truly magnificent sight to behold; a soft white blanket covered everything from the Church spire, down to the old stables on the outskirts of the village.   
  
“It is very pretty, better than it was at Christmas time. Mama told me not to follow you, she said that I wo…uld… re…gret, regret coming outside when it’s so cold…..Uncle Archie, what does regret mean?”   
  
Archie couldn’t hold back his laughter, children always amazed him; the way their thoughts would meander from the logical to the down right daft and nonsensical and then back again all within the same sentence.  
  
“It means, my dear, when someone does or does not do something that they then later wish they had or had not done. For instance, if you catch a cold from being out here, you will regret having followed me.”  
  
“Oh…I see.”  
  
Archie began to make his way back towards the house, he could smell supper being prepared and knew there would be a glass of brandy waiting for him.  
  
Isabelle began to squirm in his arms and he hated to admit it but he was already tiring from carrying her.   
  
“Oh please can we stay out here, just a moment longer, please?!”   
  
Archie relented, but placed her back on the ground and held her hand, it was slightly disturbing to see the gleeful expression on her face, it was not unlike her grandfather’s when the new 24lbs were introduced some fifteen years ago.  
  
“Have you ever regretted something, Uncle Archie?”  
  
Now that was a dangerous question, there had been many mistakes made, friends lost and so much death and destruction, especially during the wars. But then there had also been adventures, defying the odds with heroic victories, new friends, laughter and love. No he could not regret any of the bad, not when it was twinned with so much of the good in his life. Although he couldn’t help but remember the one time he had almost committed to something that he was sure he would have regretted for all his long life.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
“Well, Mr. Kennedy, gone for two years and five escape attempts. I must say it was a shock to see you come aboard with Mr. Hornblower and the others. I imagine it was a shock for you too, being back on the Indy?”  
  
He hesitated, he had not spoken to the Captain since they had gotten back to the Indefatigable yesterday afternoon. Horatio had been sent for as soon as he had finished with the surgeon and so he had been left in the Middies berth, with nothing to do but contemplate being back. It was still a shock, to be home, to be with people he thought he would never see again.  
  
“Yes sir, it was a shock, but a pleasant one, I’m very glad to be back.”  
  
Pellew raised his eyebrow clearly surprised at the answer he had received. He took a deep breath, seemingly contemplating something of great importance.  
  
“We will be in Portsmouth by the end of the month and will be in port for at least a further two weeks, I shall be granting you shore leave for the duration, to visit with your family. It would….”  
  
Pellew paused, he seemed unsure of himself, no not of himself but of what he wanted to say. The fact that Kennedy had been granted a two week shore leave was wonderful, but also stirred an apprehension within him.  
  
“It would be prudent to use that time wisely Mr. Kennedy. What you have been through is no trivial matter and I have seen it have the most unpredictable of effects on even the most hardy of officers. Should you choose not to be in port…”  
  
There was no need for Pellew to finish, Kennedy understood perfectly. If he felt he could no longer be of service to His Majesty and the Navy then Pellew was willing to turn a blind eye and allow him to walk away and never come back.  
  
Archie had been prepared to hear many things when he had walked into the cabin, this was not one of them. He felt as though he could barely breathe, the room stuffy and inexplicably hot, but still a numbness ran through him, making him shiver. He opened his mouth to reply but no words came to him, he took a moment to appreciate the humour in, for once, him being speechless.  
  
“Thank you sir.” The words barely making it past his lips.  
  
Pellew nodded his dismissal and returned his attention to the papers on his desk.  
  
The following weeks passed in a haze of too many thoughts and emotions; the joy of being back with Horatio and the others, the welcoming smiles of Bracegirdle and Matthews. All that tempered with the looks from those that had joined after he had been caught, the fear and suspicion that he had been turned or worse that he was a madman and would butcher them all in their sleep. And then there was Horatio, ever dependable and predictable, Horatio. Not once occurring to him that Archie was in turmoil, charging full tilt into the next problem, the next adventure. He even started tutoring Archie, preparing him for the Lieutenants exam. He never saw the questioning looks Pellew would throw their way; those were reserved for Archie’s eyes only.  
  
Kennedy’s homecoming was bittersweet, his siblings were overjoyed to have him at home and in one piece. All the easier to find a good match for him, his Aunt Mildred insisted. His parents were pleased to see him, even happy, but their embraces and platitudes were not enough to mask their embarrassment of having their son captured for so long and with no ‘war wounds’ for them to show off to their friends, none that they could see at any rate. No his childhood home was no longer where he wanted to be or where he wanted to grow old, if he left the Navy it would not be to then slip into shadow at Kennedy Manor.  
  
Drury Lane, had remarkably not changed at all, almost ten years and still the same sights, sounds and smells. Horatio thought him mad for being in love with such a chaotic place, but he could not see the beauty, the way it all weaved together to create this magical place; where Kings would battle and die and then the very next night on the same stage, lovers would lament and cry out their woes and ecstasies.   
  
Perhaps this could be his new home. Kennedy had certainly earned enough in his absence to not start at the bottom. He did not have to restrict himself to being a player; he was sure he could be a director or even convince his family to invest in a production or two. Archie thought about bringing Shakespeare, Marlowe and Sheridan to life and sharing that with others, he could be happy in that life. There might not be such a chance for glory and heroics, but then there was not much chance of being beaten and starved to within an inch of his life either.   
  
Horatio agreed to accompany him to tonight’s production of Othello, one of Archie’s favourites. The production was truly breathtaking; some of the company’s finest work in all the years Archie had ever had the pleasure of viewing them. It made the pain all that more acute. To see the players imitate that which he had lived, no, survived through, it was almost a cruel mockery to see the violence acted out and know that those men and women had never experienced something so horrific. Some of that magic was lost; no matter how hard Archie tried, he no longer believed their pain and sorrow, their joys and happiness. It was all a falsehood.   
  
That night, after Horatio had bid him a quiet farewell and agreed to meet him before they reported for duty, Archie walked aimlessly and considered the choice he had in front of him. Stay in the Navy, stay with Horatio, have grand adventures and be a hero for his country, for his family. Risk being taken prisoner again; of being beaten, starved or worse. Or…or what? Scratch out a living as a man of business, trading, going to America. He could imagine the look on his Father’s face should he suggest such a thing. Not a player, definitely not, the theatre was for his youth and that was behind him now. He walked for most of that night, going over the advantages and disadvantages of one path and then another and then yet another. Considering, contemplating, making plans and then finding fault with them.  
  
He made it home in time to bid farewell to his family and to make promises of letters and rare gifts from abroad. The journey in the cab to the dock was interminable and Kennedy was still no closer to a decision. He thanked the driver and secured his sea chest before walking to meet Horatio, the turmoil within him, easing ever so slightly as he spied his friend. He could see him talking animatedly to a Lieutenant from the HMS Surprise. No doubt recalling a great battle in which Horatio’s logic and quick thinking steered the course for another English victory. He stopped short of reaching Horatio and just watched him. Horatio; Matthews, Styles and the other ratings as they readied the jollyboat; the new Midshipmen saying their farewells to their mothers, most too upset to let go of their skirts and he realised that this was it. This is what his life was now, serving with these men, fighting with them for King and country and he would not trade this, even the harshest of times, for anything in the world.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
“You’re running the risk of becoming as grumpy and brooding as the Admiral was.”  
  
Archie was bought out of his memories by the familiar teasing lilt of his friend, William or now more commonly known as Grandpapa Bush.  
  
“It is not right William, to speak ill of the dead.” It still saddened Archie to think that Horatio had gone on one final adventure without him, but he supposed he would be joining him soon enough.   
  
Bush clapped a hand on his shoulder, a constant reminder of what he still had and the people that would miss him, should he follow too swiftly.  
  
“Come Isabelle, Mr Kennedy, supper is ready and we dare not keep the mistress of the house waiting.”   
  
“Aye, Aye Sir!” Kennedy and Isabelle stood to attention and then burst into giggles. Their laughter only drowned out by Bush’s bellowing as they proceed to throw snow at him. 


End file.
